Saturday, 28 November 2015

Misery/Melody

    Five spaces. Then I begin writing. I took my shirt off and stood quietly at the edge of my bed. There I let a few hours pass by, just by looking at the walls. I feel my head spinning, everytime I try to get up from my bed. I can't even hold it up. Even then my thoughts are like mud.
     I decide to sleep. I don't. I just put on a record and lie down. Getting up and putting it on the stereo takes much more effort and time than usually. I don't think I'm drunk. I've never been.
     Then I just lie down. Drenched in misery and melody.
   
     How quickly would I die? If I jumped from the top of the parachutes?




Sunday, 8 November 2015

Don't Ever Let Anyone Tell You You Deserve That

     Everything seems to be falling apart. After midnight it had started to rain. I went up on the rooftop alone and opened my arms to the raindrops. I don't know why. I felt so skinned-alive. Every single cell in my body shouted with joy. Blood pumping in my ears. Air blowing my shirt half-open. Shivers down my spine. Raindrops in my eyes, my mouth, my mind. Venturing deep in my soul. I seemed to lose control. No speech. Slipping slowly out of reach. You've never seen me act like that. It was like falling in love. Again. Or more correctly like collapsing in love.
     I lost myself.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

I Hit The Bottom And Escape

     I'd be crazy not to follow. Follow where you lead. Tomorrow I'm moving out. I really don't know what to think. It's like I'm senseless. The same emptiness that's been going on for the past months. If I could find my reasoning.
     Yesterday, I started reading some of my two year old posts. I wonder if anyone ever bothered to read anything here. You know, it was always meant for my future self. That's why most of this is ambiguous and cryptic (anyone who's at least a bit clever will understand everything. I'm not so good at implications. They always come clear). It seems peculiar how dumb I come off at some points. I laugh at the things I felt and said.
     It's been a nice couple of years.
     To go along to get along.
     It's fine at Whi. Co.
     I cringe as fuck.

Saturday, 26 September 2015

(Untitled)

     I'm completely lost in the world. But it's too late to fall apart. Absolutely lost in the world. And it's too hard to figure it out. I'm trying to find my way out. But it's probably too late to find my way out.
     It's been a long time since I really enjoyed anything at all. I rarely get the chance anymore. Maybe something new will come up eventually. At least I'm moving. And leaving everything silly and exhausting behind. Still.


     I can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all.

Monday, 21 September 2015

Prude

     It keeps coming to me. Portraits instilled in my mind. They linger on so quietly. Won't you help me hurt myself? In the line between fainting and sleeping. Drenched and immature. On the floor that we carved with our teeth and nails.Or staying calm and safe under our blankets. In the backroom  she's been hostile. And she fell for the thought of me. If I could trust her innocence. But I'm afraid of losing touch. I'll write it all down for you. And your terrible memory. I always go negative. Forget everyone you ever knew now.

     Our feelings have never been this primitive.

     Yell at the wall smash your face against it
     Turn your insides out and scream at your ovaries

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Get Your Head Out Of The Oven

     And all I see is little dots. Only in my dreams. I want to sleep all day long. No more daydreaming. I want to become even more shallow. Than what I already am. Pull myself under the covers. Hit me in the face. So I can finally faint and sleep. You're out of space. Listen. Don't wait.
     I saw sparks. I saw sparks.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

.

(static)   

     wake up at six. take a bus. travel for two hours. have nothing done. it's all done in static. people talking. getting angry, cars bumping. children kicking your shin numb. a masterpiece of sound and claustrophobic landscapes. fold it in your kitchen when it rains outside. then bathe it. break it. glue it together. let it mold in the sunlight and your cupboard. your head spins. uncontrollably. hope you're ready to make your own. good home. make sure all your tracks in the snow. are gone. stay/stop. 
     take a stab at this. show them you'll be alright. it is such a riot. smash your hand through your wardrobe. smash your fingers through the faux facade. crack your spine against the wall. show them you'll be alright. be eager. careful. and mislead. in your tiny little world. 
     you're freaking them out. 
     freezing.
     in your own.
     little.
     ice age.

Tuesday, 15 September 2015

Such A Riot

     I can't get out of what I'm into with you. I'm leaving my town in a few days. maybe even weeks. But the point is that I'm leaving. I thought I was frightened, but I'm not. I actually embrace the fact that I'm going to be alone. There are only a few things I'll miss.
     I simply wander around some familiar old alleys and streets, getting used to walking alone. I don't care. I want you to faint. And crawl back to dust. It's never even there.

Sunday, 6 September 2015

Going Up

     Let me squeeze a few words out of my mind. Let them flow through my veins. And pour through my fingers. Into the keyboard. It's this strange feeling you have. When you think you can actually say something that can change one person. It doesn't have to be more than one. 
     So you write. Words, music. Anything you can imagine. Then a hustle of drained and confused thoughts. Smashed through your wall. And poured from your mouth. Wasted materials. 
     You're going up. Oh universe you stink of love. Oh my place you stink of disdain. (I'm trying to be funny here)

     Chop. Chop.

Saturday, 5 September 2015

I'm A Pawn. On Your Checkerboard.

     I'm the left dust on your undone bed. The junk in your alley way. I'm not going anywhere. Your pillow is my world.
     Stand. Caress your colours. Dissolve your manners. Try. Why is everyone so stuck in their old stupid ways? (Don't think I'm not including myself)
     I can't even communicate. They simply waste my time and their time. Yeah, I'm pathetic and pessimistic. But I really like knowing what I thought about myself and other people six months from now. 
     Looking through all your dumb days. I never meant to help you. I just watch.    

Friday, 4 September 2015

Practice Makes Perfect. But I Can't Prove It.

     You walk past their filthy club. And the only thing that hits you is their collective stench. It's like waves of filth wrapped around your head. I think I've used that metaphor before. Don't really mind. Especially since I'm the only one who reads them.
     Cologne and sweat. Cheap cologne and Instagram sweat. And they think that I'm the one who's crazy. I'm one of them. And I'm worse than them. I'm phonier and more pretentious. I FAILED. I can't stand out. I became everything I hated. I care only about myself.
    And off course I care about the way they perceive me. Can you forget them? I might be wrong. False. I hope I am wrong.

    Have you noticed how at least half of my sentences start with "I"?
   
    I 'm afraid I can't go back to where I started. I used to feel happy all the time.
   
    Now my fake smile rules my world.
   
    An excuse to avoid talking.
    I don't even get along with myself.
   
    How can you get along
    with other people?

Thursday, 30 July 2015

Don't Tease Me Anymore.

     Well, it's summer. Everyone seems to be happy. I don't care. I've lost interest in everything I do. I'm just a shell. I'm empty. I'm just a shell. I'm empty. You were my excuse to wake up. And talk. And walk. Now, it's a shinny, beautiful day. And all I can think of is pulling those damn curtains closed.
     I guess it's like we belong in a weatherhouse. I'm the one for rain, you're the one for shine. I'm still waiting. I'm tired of waiting. I'm just sitting here waiting for you to come to me. I couldn't be more ready.
     I think I'm crazy. What's the point in watching sad films? I don't know, but I still do it.
     I feel like I'm a stranger. But I'll just wait.
     Maybe in time, you'll want to be mine.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

A Certain Possibility

     Sometimes, I don't even know what's going on with me. You see, I'm still doing this. Writing small bits of everything that goes on in my mind. I don't really know why I'm doing it. Maybe to help me find out the process of my thoughts through my years. Maybe, it's because I kind of hope someone will eventually find out.
     Now the cities we live in could be distant stars. But I search for you in every passing car.
     I guess when I repeat things over and over it seems that it's really happenning to me.
     Maybe I'm only fake.

Sunday, 21 June 2015

No More Dreams. No More Daydreams.

     I used to dream really often. Even when I was awake. Just hide in some dark place. And dream. I used to pray, but now I scream. I used to think, but not anymore. Now it's just something empty. You know what they say? They say empty vessels ring true.
     I'm tearing my mind in two. It's become a brain devided. And it never seems to work for me. Words are inflated, smashed and elevated. My thoughts are unrelated to each other. And empty vessels ring true.
     In my mind I never want to come home. Have I ever heard what they say about me? Well, I don't really want to know.

Sunday, 7 June 2015

It Really Ended. I Never Made It Right.

     All I want in life is just a little bit of love to take the pain away. A little step each day. I know nothing about myself anymore. I only want to crumble somewhere quietly and listen. I've been told some things (never something I want to hear). But it seems that there's no point. I have almost no dreams.
     I know that what I did, I did. But sometimes I really hate myself. And I can't get out of what I'm into. I want to be free from my past and my future. I can't. There's something holding me back.
     It's time to leave. Why is this happenning?

     All I have is disconnected and misguided thoughts.
     All I wanted was to be left alone (actually, it's not that interesting, you know).   
     All I want is to breath. Won't you breath with me?
  
     But I can't help.
     I'm falling in love with you.

Friday, 3 April 2015

Cloud Block Out The Sun Over Me

     And spoil all the fun. Won't you please? On a sign untrue, twisted and never spoken of. I'm waiting for a sign. So I can finally crawl out of my bed and never apologize to anyone. On twisted thoughts, I crumble back to my place.
     In my dreams I never care. Even when I'm awake and I'm noticing the people going by. It's surely been a long time. I don't want to leave this thing again.
     Just tell them what you like. Off course it's not alright.
     You act like you are different.