- You know, everyone thinks that they're on it. (with smile full of implication)
- I don't know... (long pause) but sometimes I'd like to. What's on and what's all about...
- Good talk. (sigh of relief)
- Peep! (loud and clearly)
- See you!
The nearest park seems fine. I only wish I could fall in. I won't let go. Don't let go. You know my sin, you know my sins. I try to understand. But I am probabaly missing something in the way. I know that you never care. And I know, because I only care because you do. For me this is all there is. This is all that's left and this is all I'll be.
Do you think your mind can explode. In darkrooms everything's allowed. But I am too shy (thought it had already dawned on you). I know that you never care and I'll never try to.
Are you also frightened? Because I am too. It's fine. What's it like to stay in the same frame of mind for ever. You could spend a lifetime wondering who you are. And I'm still here waiting impatiently.
Last night, I went to a party. I left at a point wher almost everyone was wasted. I officially care about nothing. There's no use in anything I do. You can get me red and embarassed with only one name, now. Try.
Kick up my shit, you wanna.
Rustle the leaves.
Get me so red you wanna.
Ruffle these feathers.
you are my bloodflow you got into my bloodstream i can feel you floating in me
Starting out today. I feel a lot in the light has changed. I'm not alone. It's really important for me to find a meaning in anything right now. I don't care what it's going to be. I'm fine with anything. I'm beginning to turn in a circle. Sometimes, I can't even use my common sense.
Let's take the boat on, wait until darkness. Let's take the boat on, wait until darkness comes.
I'm really tired of everyone. I guess that this happens really often when everybody gets crazy about the most stupid things. It is very easy to get bored. You just have to close your eyes. And my whining about getting bored is pretty boring even to myself. The nights are pretty short. I can't get enough sleep.
I've been avoiding going out of my house for a long time. I've somehow forgotten some of the best parts of my town. I think I'll take a walk tonight. I hope I'll get lost and the streets will look stranger. It won't get any better.
I really want to dance. Dancing always seems great. Love is a murder. But if she calls you tonight, everything is allright,
I'm starting to think that this was one of the worst ideas I ever had. Tomorrow means nothing anymore. And people seem to get mean. I often get lost in small details. I can stare at a blank piece of paper for more time than it is actually normal. And sometimes I only wait for the weekends. For the free days that I'm alone and I'm allowed to do what I want. But then if I only wait for these days, I'm going to miss the best things to do. Nevermind. I don't care.
It's been a long time since I wrote anything. Probably, because I'm busy being bored. All my life seems ironic when I watch a movie or listen to an album. And I can't stand the daily routine. Wake up; beg myself for just one sec more in my bed; get up; have breakfast; study; eat lunch; read some pages on the book I've been reading for the past two weeks; study; watch a movie; lie in my bed; listen to some music; put my headphones next to my bed; try to sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Before I ask all the things I'd like to ask. She's suffered him for far too many years of her life. She was always feeling low and scared of everything that he said. But I believe her. Today, I woke up really early. I could possibly forgive the times she hurt me. Love is like a sin. It seems pretty unfortunate.
In my dreams, I'm dying all the time. I can't understand. People seem peculiar. Why are you so sad? What have they done to you? Wake up. Look me in the eyes again.
There's no need talking about the old days, no point in reminding yourself about your own false starts, your mistakes. It's time for something else. I could probably make a beautiful night. Maybe I needed something different, maybe not. The thing is that I am too done in to decide.
I want to stop every time I'm in the middle of something. That's definitely because of my way of seeing things. I never enjoy face to face confrontation. I'm not saying it can never happen (I just need someone special). Imagine anyone listening to me. How could this happen?
I'm just wasting my time. Again.
Leave us in emotional rest. Well, everyone needs some time off. Push yourself to me right now. Walking down the familiar streets, meeting familiar faces and greeting in a very typical manner. It's very strange. I can't understand how people like being so pretentious. Hasn't anyone ever wanted something different? Something real?
And you just sit there. Observing. I've been stabbed in the back so many times. That's the way it goes. I'd prefer it didn't. Are you shivering?
How your promises went hollow. I once had a friend. She was one of the most pretentious people I've ever met. I still see her, sometimes. She really didn't care about people. Anyway, I'm tired of pretentious people. That's probably why I've almost all of my friends. They've changed and I've changed.
Maybe, that's not the problem. The problem is that I'm tired of everything. I want to leave. I feel that my luck could change. I want to see you smile again.
Everything that she says she would fall for. I could never run away. I'd like to, but I can't. I can only wait. Anyone can surely blame me.
Silent days are coming. Nothing is in my eyes. When every atom falling in the universe is falling in our lives. Accepting that you live with uncertainty.
At least the sun is shining (I cannot forgive the irony). And I got nothing to give.
I've seen it happen in other people's lives and now it is happenning in mine. I'm slowly drifting away. Days are tensed and melodramatic. I've been sitting for so long there in my room. Just another day. I've been making up stories in my mind and in my dreams. Many times the dreams I'm having go on for many nights. They're like a story.
However, I've been dreaming about these stories for so long,that I almost believe they're real. It's usually those unspoken dreams that we usually reserve only for fantasy. Anyway, I haven't got anyone to talk to. So, I guess they'll remain unspoken for a while. I guess.
It's been some time. I rarely write down my thoughts now. It's been a tiring year. I used to wait for something to happen. Now I'm pretty sure nothing will. I'm wasting hours. Not even music seems good enough. Everything seems boring. Even my friends seem tensed and even more phoney. I can't fit in anywhere.
My life is changing fast. I'm changing fast. It is strange how quickly I forget what's happening around me. I feel loathsome tonight. I feel blatant. I still got that old taste dancing on my tongue. Does death come alone? I feel cold.
We all say we don't want to be alone. We wear the same clothes, everyday. We walk through the same streets, everyday. That's because we feel the same things. All we want is to end up somewhere nice. In a place that we can be happy. Neither of us can think straight, anymore.
It's pretty hard. Everything's moving slowly. I'm tired of doing the same things every day. The same people. I'm tired of the people. And we look so dumb.
It looks like we made it to the end. There's nothing else for me here.
Spend all summer staring at the window. Your thought they take you where they want to go. I don't know why, but now that the hour has changed and the sun is up and the clouds have gone, I enjoy the daily exchange of emotions a lot more.
If you ever understand humans be ready to get confused. Again. Then have a look in their eyes. You'll realise that no one is normal. You can't understand anyone. There is no such thing in life as normal. And I'm really happy that normal doesn't exist. Who would want to be a normal person? I've never really met one...
In my mind Saturday is the best day of the week. Sometimes I just watch the walls, but most of the time I listen to some music and relax. The blackness, the darkness for ever.
Now, I'm lying here in my bed with my thoughts scattered on the floor. I can't think of anything to say. to write. We suffer every day. What is it for? Just to see what could happen. Just to see what could be. Now I am weary and I feel like I do. Through the alleys and hallways. Smashed and thrown up to the walls.
Slowly we unfurl.
I'm afraid I'll lose interest, after all. I'm completely lost. I don't care and I don't want to do anything. However, I like the peacefulness in my room. I can stand here, lie on the floor and watch the ceiling change colours. If you see a shadow, thn there's something there.
A strange face. Helpless and powerless, I can't even recognise you. I think you're crazy. Pray for rain. I'm sure sometime it's going to happen.
The spark is not within me.
It's not within me.
It's not within me.
Yesterday's people end up scatterbrain. Don't have to make up a reason. It's a ridiculous feeling. Being stuck here in this dream. My so called friends. It's fun being here. Or maybe not. Come over here, I'm patient. Now I can see. I'm ready.
Yesterday I was really happy. It was because nothing happened. No one made me angry. Everyone considered not to lie to each other (I never said they told the truth). It was a good day. I got home late. And I was set to fall in. I haven't felt the rain running down my spine for a long time. I miss that feeling. Shivering cold.
You'll never change.
My thoughts gently touch a string in my head. I couldn't be more ready. I couldn't be more sincere. Waiting for Spring and Summer's showers. The one's when you stand and think. About anything. I find myself drifting away. I seem to lose my line of thoughts. Waiting for the fall.
You can now pray for rain. Some people simply lose their minds. Sometimes everything's not easy. This one is for the good times. Many times I start to wonder what's going on.
It's been a lot of time since I started doing this. I really enjoy writing. There are some things that I don't mention to anyone. There are some things that need to remain unsaid. Here I'm allowed everything all of the time.
I couldn't be more ready.
It takes some time to figure things out. I was being so selfish and lazy. For the last couple of months everyone decided to enjoy themselves. I can't seem to fit in. I don't belong with them. And even my all friends, they don't know me now. It seems a bit strange after all this time we're apart. It's just that my interest in some things is gone. For ever. Especially some vague things.
Most of the time goes by quickly. I even went on some trips. Twelve hours in a bus with no one to really be with. I met some people and they all say we are friends now. I don't really know. No one seems to understand me. Again, I was in a crowd and I still felt alone. Safe from harm. I can't concentrate and I smile. People smile back. At least that's good.
Last time you saw the sunlight