Saturday, 28 November 2015


    Five spaces. Then I begin writing. I took my shirt off and stood quietly at the edge of my bed. There I let a few hours pass by, just by looking at the walls. I feel my head spinning, everytime I try to get up from my bed. I can't even hold it up. Even then my thoughts are like mud.
     I decide to sleep. I don't. I just put on a record and lie down. Getting up and putting it on the stereo takes much more effort and time than usually. I don't think I'm drunk. I've never been.
     Then I just lie down. Drenched in misery and melody.
     How quickly would I die? If I jumped from the top of the parachutes?

Sunday, 8 November 2015

Don't Ever Let Anyone Tell You You Deserve That

     Everything seems to be falling apart. After midnight it had started to rain. I went up on the rooftop alone and opened my arms to the raindrops. I don't know why. I felt so skinned-alive. Every single cell in my body shouted with joy. Blood pumping in my ears. Air blowing my shirt half-open. Shivers down my spine. Raindrops in my eyes, my mouth, my mind. Venturing deep in my soul. I seemed to lose control. No speech. Slipping slowly out of reach. You've never seen me act like that. It was like falling in love. Again. Or more correctly like collapsing in love.
     I lost myself.

Tuesday, 29 September 2015

I Hit The Bottom And Escape

     I'd be crazy not to follow. Follow where you lead. Tomorrow I'm moving out. I really don't know what to think. It's like I'm senseless. The same emptiness that's been going on for the past months. If I could find my reasoning.
     Yesterday, I started reading some of my two year old posts. I wonder if anyone ever bothered to read anything here. You know, it was always meant for my future self. That's why most of this is ambiguous and cryptic (anyone who's at least a bit clever will understand everything. I'm not so good at implications. They always come clear). It seems peculiar how dumb I come off at some points. I laugh at the things I felt and said.
     It's been a nice couple of years.
     To go along to get along.
     It's fine at Whi. Co.
     I cringe as fuck.

Saturday, 26 September 2015


     I'm completely lost in the world. But it's too late to fall apart. Absolutely lost in the world. And it's too hard to figure it out. I'm trying to find my way out. But it's probably too late to find my way out.
     It's been a long time since I really enjoyed anything at all. I rarely get the chance anymore. Maybe something new will come up eventually. At least I'm moving. And leaving everything silly and exhausting behind. Still.

     I can't believe how strange it is to be anything at all.

Monday, 21 September 2015


     It keeps coming to me. Portraits instilled in my mind. They linger on so quietly. Won't you help me hurt myself? In the line between fainting and sleeping. Drenched and immature. On the floor that we carved with our teeth and nails.Or staying calm and safe under our blankets. In the backroom  she's been hostile. And she fell for the thought of me. If I could trust her innocence. But I'm afraid of losing touch. I'll write it all down for you. And your terrible memory. I always go negative. Forget everyone you ever knew now.

     Our feelings have never been this primitive.

     Yell at the wall smash your face against it
     Turn your insides out and scream at your ovaries

Thursday, 17 September 2015

Get Your Head Out Of The Oven

     And all I see is little dots. Only in my dreams. I want to sleep all day long. No more daydreaming. I want to become even more shallow. Than what I already am. Pull myself under the covers. Hit me in the face. So I can finally faint and sleep. You're out of space. Listen. Don't wait.
     I saw sparks. I saw sparks.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015



     wake up at six. take a bus. travel for two hours. have nothing done. it's all done in static. people talking. getting angry, cars bumping. children kicking your shin numb. a masterpiece of sound and claustrophobic landscapes. fold it in your kitchen when it rains outside. then bathe it. break it. glue it together. let it mold in the sunlight and your cupboard. your head spins. uncontrollably. hope you're ready to make your own. good home. make sure all your tracks in the snow. are gone. stay/stop. 
     take a stab at this. show them you'll be alright. it is such a riot. smash your hand through your wardrobe. smash your fingers through the faux facade. crack your spine against the wall. show them you'll be alright. be eager. careful. and mislead. in your tiny little world. 
     you're freaking them out. 
     in your own.
     ice age.